Mila was 8 months old and it was my turn to take her to childcare. Time was short and I had an important interview later in the day. I could feel the anxiety brewing in my chest, my mind already at the office. Observing me from her highchair, Mila could see I was distracted. For just a moment, I turned away from our breakfast routine – this was her chance. She gathered a handful of peas in her little fist and launched them onto the floor. For the fifth time that morning, I was down on my knees.
“Stop! Stand up! Step away from the peas!”
Mila and I both turned toward Melania’s bellowing voice. “She is not testing gravity, she is testing you. Maybe try a different strategy,” she said.
There is a theory in neuroscience of the brain as a prediction machine: constantly collecting data about the world and updating its code. In this metaphor, babies are running science experiments every minute of every day. What will happen if I touch the blade of grass? If I cry at night, will someone come? If I throw peas on the floor, will my dad pick them up … again? With each experiment, they adjust their predictions until their brains discover what patterns are reliable.
When it comes to updating our prediction machines, new parents are not as fast as babies, but we are pretty impressive. As Dr Helena Rutherford at Yale University puts it, “You are your baby’s external prefrontal cortex.” New moms and dads become hypervigilant to anything that might agitate their babies and quickly learn how to soothe them once something sets them off. We learn to use our prefrontal cortex to help them regulate their emotions until they can do it on their own.
This is not an easy task. We need to learn to see life through their eyes, but – given how fast they are updating their worldview – it is hard to keep up. Moreover, we have to do this without relying on spoken language while constantly task-switching and sleep deprived. It requires an incredibly flexible mind. Indeed, the transition to parenthood can feel like a version of CrossFit for cognitive flexibility, except the coach (aka the baby) cries when you get it wrong; you have to feed them or else they get angry; you aren’t doing it with a group of peers in the park; and the schedule is 24-7.
Thankfully, our brains and bodies have evolved to meet the moment. The parental mind is exceptionally capable of learning and adaptation. The early years of parenthood are one of the periods in adult life when our brain is most flexible. But, just like babies, if we are not cared for, if our “body budget” is in the red, we also become rigid. We also have trouble taking perspective. We also struggle to regulate our emotions.
Three years ago, we decided to focus Early Childhood Matters on the theme of parental wellbeing. We made this choice having emerged from the Covid pandemic, during which the whole world got a front-row seat to the daily challenges facing parents and other caregivers. As we launch the third and closing issue of this series, I am moved by the collection of 119 scientists, artists, policymakers and executives from 27 countries who have shared their perspectives on parental wellbeing, both as leaders in their fields of expertise, and as mothers, fathers and grandparents themselves.
My main takeaway from this mosaic of voices is not that parents are struggling, but that they are the most resourceful people on the planet. Every day they invent new ways to make ends meet, spark curiosity, or turn tears into laughter. From hiding vegetables in dinner to turning a cardboard box into a spaceship – the parental mind is pure, relentless creativity born out of love and necessity.
Now, imagine if they were truly supported …
